Archive Page 2

17
Sep
08

Developing Confidence Before a Full Body Lift: A Critical Key to Success and Self Love

By lessthanhalf 1 Comment
Categories: body image
Tags: , , ,

Someone I was talking to yesterday couldn’t wrap her mind around how people can balloon up to 300-400-500 pounds and then FIND themselves there. I was 300 pounds nearly, and I DID just find myself there. How can you not recognize and be embarrassed at your size? Simple. I grew up in an environment who didn’t take a second look at the way I was treating myself. That third bowl of ice cream was accepted. Second servings of food were OFFERED. It was one of the only ways I could comfort myself and distract myself. I can’t say I grew up with a shitty life, and I can’t blame all of this on me.

I think I need counseling. Actually, I KNOW I need counseling. If someone offered me 35K and said “hey, you go get your full body lift. Don’t worry about your job, don’t worry about anything, just go get your surgery” I’d be way excited and scared shitless. Ezra even turned to me and told me I wasn’t ready to actually get it, but that WE were ready to start preparing for that.

It’s all true. Your mind goes through a crazy process. I’ve been maintaining and looking at this body for 10 months, with Ezra by my side telling me I’m beautiful and sexy (which I’m sure helps) and I can actually look at myself in a full length mirror without wincing. You know what I see when I look in a mirror? I imagine my true body under this. I want to scream “I’m not 120 pounds! I’m smaller than this!” which sounds insane, and it IS insane. I don’t know why I try to maintain THIS weight when I know I have pounds to come off of me in skin.

17
Sep
08

Peeking out of the cocoon

By lessthanhalf Leave a Comment
Categories: body image
Tags: , ,

Sometimes I wish I had someone in my life who understood what I was going through. Like completely UNDERSTOOD. There are a lot of people who have lost weight (yes I get that) and go through the food struggle. Not many grew up with what I had to, nor do they have to face a deflated body every morning. It’s a healthy body, but deflated none the less.

Last weekend Ezra and I were talking: He asked me if I would find it weird if he wanted to start putting away money to help me get my body lift. As creepy as that would sound to some people (yes, my boyfriend want’s to BUY my body) it’s not creepy to me. He wants to help. He want’s to see me happy. I’ve had him sit down and watch shows, even look at pictures, and he winces at the sight of all the pieces that are stitched and taken away. But when he asked that question, it nearly made me cry.

He said that he just doesn’t want to see me wait around forever and dream about it every day and then never get it done. He knows I WANT it. And I want it bad.

I laid there feeling my skin. So soft, so free and wiggly moving. So… so much apart of me. Not cut, not infected, not sore. That will change and that piece of ME that I always look at as “extra” will be gone.

Kinda like when you have a piece of popcorn in your teeth, and you work and work to get it out but then all you have left is sore gums and then you start to miss it.

*sigh*

I can’t wait until my life gets to start. I’m hoping that before the end of the month I can have saved up 1K. Throw that over into savings, and let my new life begin. All I gotta do is accumulate 18 vacation days + 5K for a down and I can DO this for me. So scary, yet exciting.

I wonder if a butterfly is afraid before cracking the cocoon?

28
Aug
08

Weightloss, Maintaining, and Plastic Surgery RAW

By lessthanhalf 2 Comments
Categories: dieting outlooks

We live our lives waiting to LIVE our lives. It really makes no sense. I’ve been trying to keep this blog focused on my full body lift, but I am a person behind this skin. Take a minute to know me:

My name is Melinda and I have lost 175 pounds. Is that number always consistent? No! My weight fluctuates daily, by the minute, by the hour. We take so much time every morning to strip down, relieve ourselves in the toilet, stand infront of the mirror and weigh ourselves. The number goes down.. and we get happy. A glass of water (just 16 ounces!) and a pound is back on us. But we don’t dare ourselves. We are ever changing creatures.

I’m learning over time that my weight, that number on the scale, is not the true meaning of my existance. Even though I can honestly say I have developed a small EDNOS throughout this journey, I’m slowly (and I mean slowly) stepping into this realization. I’ve been trapped inside a cage, where I have to maintain thin.

Being inspirational isn’t always a good thing. It’s like becoming a mini movie star and no matter if you gain a pound or lose one, everyone notices. And you feel like a picture of your butt is being splashed across People Magazine throughout every checkout line in America. I know that I’m not THAT important, but either way it feels like all eyes are on me.

People have watched me shrink for months, years to be exact. And I feel like they’re also watching me hold steady. With each bite I feel judged.

Change is amazing. I’m moving in with my very loving supportive boyfriend (who I might add accepts my slabs of skin I want removed and still finds me sexy). This new complex nobody knows me. I have just switched jobs, where nobody knows my past history. It’s almost like starting over completely. But at the same time, I almost feel like a hidden secret.

A lot of thoughts play in my mind every day as I mentioned above: “What are they going to think if I eat that?” “If I get fat again, will people lose hope for themselves?” “If I get fat again, will people laugh at me and talk about me behind my back?” “Can people see the 5 pounds I gained after my binge?” “Do people see my skin overlap my jeans when I sit down?” It’s a constant thought. Over and over I think the world is judging me. But who has the right? Who should affect my emotions and feelings? People that are ‘just people’ or my friends and family? I think my friends, if they are really my friends, shouldn’t judge. But would I judge my friends if they were in the same situation? It’s all a giant mess. A spider web I create in my OWN head. When I take a step back, I realize that nobody really cares. Just that thought, the single thought that nobody CARES if I gain 10, heck 20 pounds. Nobody cares as long as I am happy with me and healthy.

But what is the price of being thin? Would I trade in gaining 30 pounds for a clear mind, and a peaceful relationship with food? I sure the hell would. Would I trade in THIS body for someone 50 pounds more than me with a firm stomach and strong legs? Heck yea.

I’m not sure what I’m really getting at. I guess this is one of those half steps I’m talking about. Not quite able to let go of being thin, not quite ready to let go of the fact that perfection can never be achieved.

I will get my surgery, but I understand it will never make me perfect. It will never make it where I can wear a bikini in Brazil, or comfortable stripping down to a sports bra and mini shorts for a jog. But it will help me feel just that much more whole. My day is coming soon. This next month, I’ll get to start saving a little more. And I hope to achieve a sponsor that is touched by my story in some way.

This is weightloss, maintaining, and plastic surgery RAW. I won’t hold back. I’ll tell you all how it is.

27
Aug
08

Prior to a full body lift, we must accept ourselves as we are

By lessthanhalf 2 Comments
Categories: body image

I think there’s a whole group of us girls (and guys) out there that have a NEED to know there are more of us out there. People who wake up daily and get angry at our bodies for have stretching to the max and not bouncing back when we wish and pray it would. A group of people that wish they could diet the rest of this hanging body away.

I’ve been searching and searching for people like this. MakeMeHeal.com is about the closest I have come to people who have the same flaws as me (needing a full body lift) but maybe not for the same reasons. I’ve searched for books that make me feel not so alone and haven’t found any that hit the spot. Someone, anyone, just please come and relate to me.

24 years old, after losing 175 pounds, and plagued with this skin that I find disgusting on some days, and find inspirational other days. The same skin that motivates and unmotivates me to exercise because what’s the point? Skin.. it’s just skin. Some people wish they had a body as good off as me. Those who have been in fires, those who have lost more weight than me. It’s hard to look on the brighter side when you so badly want something gone. But what’s left when it’s gone? A smooth surface, scars that are prone to infection. Scars that can heal.

Before I get my full body lift I need to recognize that my body is going to change. When I am 60 years old, I don’t expect it to be the same. Already growing up to 24 I am seeing wrinkles. Should I embrase them or botox them? Should I accept myself as I am, or always fight to change it?

I want to hug anyone that has to go through what I do. When I hear people say “i want to lose 150 pounds” I sit back and hope their skin doesn’t hurt them like mine does me. I hope they dont try to cover themselves up and hide from the world. Why do we have to be so asshamed of our bodies?

This is just my reach out to others like me. I hope you will come up and send me an email or your story. I want a connection. People to mope with, and come to realization with. Are you out there?

Let’s embrase change. For better or for worse. Our bodies are ours.

13
Aug
08

Plastic Surgery – My before will soon enough be an after

By lessthanhalf Leave a Comment
Categories: Plastic Surgery

I’m ready to go through some more consultations to find the right doctor to complete my full body lift. I have opted to go through with financing my lift. I am young and impatient with the body I have right now. I sit around watching TLC’s “Before & After” shows, and dream about owning the matching scars these women have. A T shaped incision on my stomach is NOTHING compared to the overlap of stomach I have to deal with every day. You should see the funny thing my armpits do when I put my bra on. It’s like I have wings or something.

I know that my full body lift dream won’t become reality for a bit of time, but the reality of it is getting closer and closer. Within 2 weeks, I’m going to be moving in with my boyfriend (saving me about 400 a month with that). And as soon as February hits, my student loan payments will drop by a hundred bucks. Ah then once I hit 25 in January, my insurance on my car will be less. See? Life is easing up on me. Less bills = more chances that I can get my body.

I’ll be honest with you all.. I went as far as writing Dr Phil my sad sobby story, but have heard nothing back. Maybe in the future I’ll hear something… wishful thinking. I am going to do my lift in pieces, and let myself heal as I go. I figured my stomach is bothering me the most, and I could sure use some beautiful breasts, so those 2 things are first. When I first started dieting, it was my arms that bugged me the most, but once everything came off, it was my stomach. That nasty apron… ah I just want to rip it off and throw it against the wall.

Goal: To go to 3 consultations before the months end. Aw exciting! Quote me on a pretty stomach and boobs please.

26
Jun
08

Full Body Lift – Dreams coming true!

By lessthanhalf Leave a Comment
Categories: Plastic Surgery

I’m just so excited you guys. I have been wandering around www.makemeheal.com and have found a great group of girls who have had tummy tucks done, and some more. There is one girl on there that really made me hopeful. She has JUST got her full body lift completed, and the photos are so inspirational. Looking at my body, then looking at how hers was, and now how it is, just fills me with so much energy to get this going for me.

I’ve looked at my finances and I can do about $200 a month if I take out a loan for my full body lift. A loan that will be more important to me than any new car. A loan I will be happy and proud to pay back. I want to get a few grand under my belt before taking on such a big expense, but this is going to be well worth it.

I made some goals for myself. Today is June 26th. In 6 months, I will have saved 1,200 dollars for my lift. I can only get my stomach and breast done, but I figure that’s a decent headway. I also must think about the amount of work I am going to miss. Saving up vacation time. I have 10 days a year at my current job, and so by mid next year, 15 will have accrued. I’m going to try my hardest to push though and keep those days on my plate!

Given 1 years time, 2,400 dollars saved to put down on my new body, I’ll be able to work all this out. 1 year. Next summer. A goal defined that I can mark on the calendar.

This is something I think about every day. A full body lift. A FULL BODY lift. I can’t express in words how estatic it makes me feel to just say those hopes and dreams are in my near future. It took me over 14 years to screw it up to this point, 2 years to bring it down to its current size, and 1 year of saving my dough to get it. But you know? I can’t tell you how great it feels to know it’s in my reach.

1 year of hard work and savings, to gain something that will last a lifetime. A brand new body.. a body I can feel without quivering.

Anyone else want to take the 1 year goal with me? :)

Time to go shop plastic surgeons! <– not for a price comparison, but for the one I feel comfortable with.

22
Jun
08

I’m going to get my full body lift.. eventually

By lessthanhalf Leave a Comment
Categories: Plastic Surgery

I’m going to do it! :) Nobody is stopping me. Eventually my full body lift will be complete. I have things working in my favor right now.. at least right now.. and I know it will take some money savings and time.. but I’m going to do it dammit!

I can’t get my full body lift all at once, due to finances, but I am going to be starting out with a Tummy tuck and a boob lift. I don’t have to go out and get everything done at once. Heck after a tummy tuck, I might not mind having bitty boobies. Who needs implants with such a tiny body? As long as they are up and in their place, I should be fine…We’ll see.  I just don’t find fair that when I go out shopping that I have to find shirts that poof out in the stomach area. I want clingy form fitting shirts. I am dieinggg to see my shape.

Scale is up 4 pounds from my lowest, but it’s not that big of a deal. Eating clean today. I blew it last night and had a few drinks. Mostly enjoyed myself with food. But the alcohol is goneeee, and the cereal will get hidden soon enough with a request. Well actually, I’ll just zip lock baggy it out :) and eat it as snacks. I need to do that with my oatmeal today too.

But I’m in high spirits. I got a letter in the mail from the IRS saying that I owe 580 dollars left. They took my stimulus money out of the amount I owe, which is great. Ezra, my boyfriend, is going to loan me the 580 so I never have to deal with this kind of situation again. I’m going to pay him back 150$ month. A lot easier than dealing with the IRS. I’m sending off my last ER bill (that only took what; a year to pay off? bleh) and that will be out of my way. So savings here I come! And I’m going to finance my full body lift for sure. It should tack on an extra 200-300 dollar a month (assuming its 15K in total), but I can manage that. That’s managable, right? It will motivate me to save money in other ways. No more name brands, my jeans can come from target.. I really don’t care. I need to stop spending and start investing in ME.

Pheww. Okay you guys. Time to hop in the shower so I can get outa this place and enjoy the 115 degree weather outside. BAKE me sun.. mm baked ruffles. Haha. That made me want subway.

16
Jun
08

2 years maintained – and counting (7/8/08)

By lessthanhalf 3 Comments
Categories: dieting outlooks

July 8th will mark my second year of calorie counting. Along the way, I have learned a ton. At the stages of maintaining, I am still learning why my body asks for certain foods, why I binge, what I want for my overall health, how to come to terms with my current body the way that it is, and how I can continue to milestone mark the success I have accomplished along with the months to come.

For milestone marking, I bought a ‘pandora charm bracelet’ and each month I succeed with managing a 5 pound cushion in my weight loss, I will get another bead. I just started the bracelet and am awaiting its arrival in the mail.

To top off all these questions on why, I also find myself doing crazy dieting ‘things’. Like today I tried to go on a raw food diet. I really learned that preping for such events is important in succeeding. I got through most of my day raw, but my ‘raw’ wasn’t traditional since I had no clue how to prepare raw dishes. Living off of melon, apples, carrots, and dry lettuce was just not cutting it. After caffeine headaches, I threw in the towel and had some cooked asparagus. Finishing off my day I had a bowl of oatmeal. Still not crazy about the decision I made today, but I need to learn this method of living if I want to take fasts. I had planned 5 days and them moving to juicing.

I want to juice for my body. To detox my system. Sometimes I rush into things before I think them through. I am going through a series of blood tests at the doctor because I’ve had tests come back saying I have low white blood counts, and low blood platelets. I could very well have an auto immune disorder. Because my body is weak at fighting off infection, a juice fast should be doctor supervised if I am going to extend it over a certain amount of time (24 hours). So with that being said, I had to revise my plan of action.

I feel rather stupid. I feel disgusted at myself for the way I ate the night before I was supposed to start the fast. I must face the scale tomorrow morning and see the damage I put my body though. Then it’s back to the grind of clean eating. Clean clean! Lots of stir fry, lean proteins, and simple carbs.

I researched around to find out if “dieting” is addictive, and found articles that stated yes. But not in the sense that I meant addicting. Like.. I achieved my goal weight, and I want to keep going and pushing my body further with its health. People tell me I should focus on exercise, but let’s be real. I’m only human, and I’m lazy at heart. I’ve found fun in dancing around the house, but going to the gym is not for me.

Always on the look out for ways I can better myself. And yes.. I believe I am addicted to “dieting”

PS: I am still looking into having my body re-constructed. I went as far as emailing Dr Phil. Again, I feel lame, but dammit I only can dream of such a luxury. I need to get this blog in better order so I can possibly earn money somehow off of it.. some way.

14
May
08

I still love me, even with the body dysmorphia

By lessthanhalf 1 Comment
Categories: body image

Maintaining has it’s ups and downs, and these past few months have proved just that. I need to learn so many things about myself still. I still need to learn HOW to maintain this 121 pound body. It takes structure, it takes keeping a close eye on the scale, it takes relearning your entire way of thinking. You’ll all see, it’s just crazy.

A rollercoaster ride if you will. Some nights I continue to binge, and others I have complete control. Today is one of those days of complete control. I only gained it because I lost it this weekend. Gained an entire 7 pounds while in California. I went to go meet my nephew, and my mom makes the best potato salad. I can’t restrict forever. We all must learn times we should and shouldn’t restrict. Going home to see family is a time of ‘who the fuck cares if I gain 5 pounds, I can lose it later’. Very eliborating for a whole 30 minutes while you stuff your face, but backing away from the plate you realize your stomach doesn’t remember how to digest CRAP anymore. Mayo laden potatoes? It tasted good on my tongue, but it wanted to come back no doubt. Held it down, but it hurt to digest. And lets not forget beef. My body wants nothing to do with beef digestion. Aw my precious tummy wants it’s fruits and veggies. We are a team in that aspect. Everything else it knows better about.

My top weakness at this point is Trix cereal and alcohol. I allow myself a bit of alcohol weekly (not going overboard for my own health) and cups and cups of Trix on those nights if I desire. It’s normally a great desire. Then I work for 2 days trying to get it off. Okay.. well I can’t say I’m actually “working” to get it off, I’m just not making the problem worse. Life is funny.

So here I am, almost 7 months later, still maintaining my size 2 body. Slight body dysmorphia has set in, and some crazy thoughts of fasting and cleansing happen on occasion (I’ll juice fast one of these days). It’s like I don’t want to stop dieting. I don’t want to lose control. Daily scale weigh ins. Still can’t say I completely love who I’ve become, but there are so many positives I’ve found out of it I can’t fathom gaining all the weight back.

Ah life is grand. It’s just so crazy how much you change in this journey both mentally and physically.

:)

27
Mar
08

Grocery Shopping the Dieters Way!

By lessthanhalf 2 Comments
Categories: Food

There are so many foods that I eat on a regular basis that have become mere staples in my diet. I’m going to attempt to list my favorites! Many of these foods are not found in all stores, but if you want them to appear in yours, don’t be afraid to ask the store manager. NO I am not affiliated with any of these companies, I just love their products.

  1. Laughing Cow Cheese Wedges – 35 cals
  2. Weight Watchers cream cheese – 60 cals
  3. Low fat string cheese – 50 cals
  4. Sara Lee Delicious 45 cal honey wheat bread – 90 cals 2 slices
  5. Orowheat light wheat bread – 80 cals 2 slices
  6. Wonder Bread buns – 80 cals
  7. Morning star black bean burgers – 140 cals
  8. Morning star chickn patties – 150 cals
  9. Lean boneless skinless chicken breasts – 100 cals 4ozs
  10. Weight watchers “Giant” Ice cream bars – 110-120 cals
  11. Bryers Cookies and cream ice cups – 100 cals
  12. Skinny cow ice cream sandwiches – 140 cals
  13. Any 100 cal pack – 100 cals
  14. Pop secret 100 cal popcorn (homestyle & butter) – 100 cals
  15. Weight control quaker oatmeal – 160 cals
  16. Hershey’s chocolate sticks – 60 cals
  17. Heidi Gummi Bears – 110 cals
  18. Campbells Healthy Request soups (chicken noodle & tortilla) – 240-260 cals/can
  19. Veggies! Any kind – varies
  20. Kraft Light & Zesty Italian Dressing – 15 cals/2 tbsp
  21. Franks Red Hot Hotsauce – 5 cals
  22. Light Teriyaki Sauce – 25 cals 2tbsp
  23. Lean Cuisines! Anything under 300 cals
  24. South Beach Diet Pizzas – 320-350 cals
  25. Western Bagels (The Alternative Bagel) – 110 cals
  26. Smart Balance Butter -40 tbsp
  27. Brown Rice – 120 cals 1/2 cup
  28. Fiber Gourmet Pasta – 120 cals 2oz
  29. Vitatop Muffins – 100 cals
  30. PB2 Peanut butter – 60 cals 2tbsp
  31. Sharons Sorbet (Raspberry) – 80 cals 1/2 cup <– found at trader joes
  32. Fruit Leather – 35 cals
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