Someone I was talking to yesterday couldn’t wrap her mind around how people can balloon up to 300-400-500 pounds and then FIND themselves there. I was 300 pounds nearly, and I DID just find myself there. How can you not recognize and be embarrassed at your size? Simple. I grew up in an environment who didn’t take a second look at the way I was treating myself. That third bowl of ice cream was accepted. Second servings of food were OFFERED. It was one of the only ways I could comfort myself and distract myself. I can’t say I grew up with a shitty life, and I can’t blame all of this on me.
I think I need counseling. Actually, I KNOW I need counseling. If someone offered me 35K and said “hey, you go get your full body lift. Don’t worry about your job, don’t worry about anything, just go get your surgery” I’d be way excited and scared shitless. Ezra even turned to me and told me I wasn’t ready to actually get it, but that WE were ready to start preparing for that.
It’s all true. Your mind goes through a crazy process. I’ve been maintaining and looking at this body for 10 months, with Ezra by my side telling me I’m beautiful and sexy (which I’m sure helps) and I can actually look at myself in a full length mirror without wincing. You know what I see when I look in a mirror? I imagine my true body under this. I want to scream “I’m not 120 pounds! I’m smaller than this!” which sounds insane, and it IS insane. I don’t know why I try to maintain THIS weight when I know I have pounds to come off of me in skin.
You are a great inspiration. And your boyfriend sounds like a real sweety … supportive men are the best!
I hope you get your dream soon. Maybe I’ll be in that situation next year. For now I’m still in losing mode.